it's a complicated life...

so...i am struck today by how complicated my life has become. i want so badly to please everyone in every circle, but it is entirely impossible. so, i have ended up all but abandoning my family. i have virtually missed my cousin's pregnancy. i get facebook posts and phone calls and text messages from family members complaining of my absence. sphere 1.



Kevin Butcher spoke in chapel today. he once again reminded me of my love for the city. my love for people. i looked into his eyes and i remembered the power of that crazy, sacrificial, risky love. And i told him i would be home soon, but i wonder if i can keep that promise. sphere 2.



and here i sit on my couch in my dimly lit room. i should be doing homework, but i've been doing it all day, and i am having trouble facing the mountains of scholastic stress. i have so many papers to write, and articles to read, and lessons to plan, and people to greet, and i feel trapped in it. i love this place, i love these people, but i am trapped in busyness. sphere 3.



so i am failing to fully exist and thrive in any of my three spheres, but i can't get rid of any spheres any time soon. and i don't want to. but i am tired. and add onto this my overwhelmingingly complicated web of human relationships. my hopes and fears and disappointments and frustrations. and i wonder why things can't just work out. and i want to be free to love. and i have never felt so trapped in circumstances. i am impatient for peace.

I am so grateful for all that i am given and all that i do not deserve. i do not deserve three spheres of love and support, but they have been given to me. and i don't know quite how to manage them all, but i am glad for them.

God, help me to be full of thanks instead of resentment. help me to find peace and definition in you. - Your daughter.

2009

2008 was a pretty crazy year. A whole lot has happened this year. A WHOLE lot. I experienced true heartbreak. I fell in love with a city. I completed my Existential philosophy class. I moved to Detroit for the summer. I helped to plan and run KSA. I fell in love with 50+ kids. I gained a family at Hope Community Church. I found value. I was a friend. I struggled with belief and hopelessness and selfishness. I withdrew. I stayed. I loved and hated and tried and failed and lived. I changed. More than I can remember ever changing before. It's been an angsty year, but I have also experienced the most beautiful, joyful community of love. That is where I want to stay.

So, I want 2009 to be a year of hope. I want to get rid of all darkness and bitterness and needless cynicism. I want to believe in Jesus, and I don't want to doubt anymore. I want to be faithful and joyful and radical and real.

I believe in You, Jesus. I do. Help me believe this year! This day. Please.