words flowing in some sleepless early morning hour

i don't know where i fit. i know church is not what it is supposed to be. but i don't know how to fix it. i don't even know how to begin. that is why i pulled away from institutional church. i know it is broken, but i am terrified to begin trying to renew it. and now i've moved to salem, indiana and find myself thrust back into the institution of church.

st. augustine once said "the church is a whore, and she is my mother." there is all this imagery in the bible of the church as a bride. pure. full of potential. hopeful. in love. selfless. and we've gone and turned that beautiful bride into a whore. corrupted. static. selfish. power-hungry. she is messed up. dysfunctional. and yet - people are still being nurtured; growing up; finding their estranged mother because buried underneath all the ugly muck lies the original calling of the church. though we have turned our mother into something that only slightly resembles Christ's church, i must believe that there is hope. i must believe that God still loves his bride. his people. i must believe that the church - that we - can be renewed, cleansed, and brought back to our original purpose.

i believe that must happen, but i don't know how to believe that the church can be a community of radical, world-changing love, but exist within an institution that is bogged down in thousands of years of whoring itself out. that is a lot of centuries of baggage and disease and i don't know how to deal with it. my instinct is simply to wallow in anger and resentment for the injustices that the church blindly embraces. but that anger does not always inspire action. it usually just eats away at my joy until i am empty and hopeless. so what can i do? do i just quietly go about my business? living love as much as i can without causing too much of a stir? though i think real, lived out love always causes a stir. do i pick battles? do i challenge the institution? do i demand justice, awareness, equality, selflessness? do i cause a stir? and if i do - are my motives pure? the model Jesus sets is not timid. the great church reforms have not been without controversy. but i am no martin luther or tyndale or christ. so, what do i do? i am a 22-year-old woman with too little knowledge and far too much pride and angst. i am a self-confessed hypocrite. i do not practice much of what i rant about. i struggle to read my bible. sometimes, i struggle to believe in God. i am so broken. what can i do?

Lord, give me the humility to know i cannot fix the world on my own, but give me the courage and strength to do what i can. help me. amen.