Failure

I fail pretty much all the time...ALL the time. And I am rarely conscious of my blatant failure. I think that is what scares me and shames me most. I am hesitant to even write these words outside of the confines of my journal...because I want everyone to think I am perfect. Yep. It's true. In spite of all my efforts to be genuine...I am lying to myself, and God, and the world. I am an expert face painter. I am really, really good at making you believe in my deception. I am crippled by my overwhelming desire to make you think that I am righteous and virtuous. I am, in reality, depraved and crooked in every way. I like to spout my noble ideas of justice and love, but I fail. I once cross-stitched a pillow (mostly my cousin cross-stitched the pillow) with the phrase "actions speak louder than words" ...and my inaction exposes my own lack of justice, my own hatred.



I promised God that I would not abandon the children I grew to love. I have abandoned them. I promised God that I would pray more often, more sincerely. When I manage to remember my God it is a half-hearted cry. I promised my Savior that I would actually read the Bible and live out it's message. It has been weeks (at least) since I have found true joy in His words, and I mostly pretend to live out the gospel. I promised to be more selfless and loving. My every act is inherently selfish and self-loving. I promised to be open minded. I have closed my mind to past thoughts and old allegiances. I promised to speak out for Detroit. I have become a self-righteous, hypocritical, inactive voice.



I have failed in every conceivable way.



And I don't even know if I want to change. I hate all of my ways, but it is easier to remain as I am. I am terrified at the prospect of seeking God and missing him. I am overwhelmed by the Bible, and social justice, and my human promises...and my failure.



I would like to end this with a nice, upbeat, tie up the lose ends sort of conclusion. But that would be insincere. I suppose I should say that all of my feelings are normal and human, and to not lose heart because God is in control. And that is certainly true. I believe that with all that I am. I would be lost without that conviction. But some days, I just don't feel like believing it. That might be blasphemous or heretical...or human.



I want to see my Jesus. I want to see him. Touch him. Watch him. Love him. I want to want him.