hair extensions.

you've heard that in order to understand someone you must "walk a mile in their shoes." i didn't have to borrow any shoes. i inherited her hair.

"i had this hair when i went to auschwitz. it was always braided, but not when i went to auschwitz. on that day it was exactly like yours."

those were some of the first words out of ann's mouth when she saw me.

ann rosenheck is a holocaust survivor. She was "born in czechoslovakia near the mountains." she went to auschwitz and dachau. she lost her entire family in the holocaust. she experienced great suffering, and she survived. and we share hair. and now we share a story.

yesterday, i told the story of her survival to a room full of other survivors, their families, and community members in miami, florida. Ann's story, along with nine others, is told in the reader's theatre production of ...Who Returned My Soul, written by Kelly Brock.

by telling ann's story and meeting her, i am now a part of her story as she is a part of mine.

it may sound cheesy or ridiculous...but maybe God made my hair big, and frizzy, and the perfect length for just that moment. to tell just this story. so i could be ann rosenheck for those few minutes. is it so preposterous? we believe God does the big things - like world-wide floods and resurrections. maybe God works in the little things too. maybe he works through my hair.

maybe he loves ann and i enough to work this little miracle for us. i believe that he does.

anne prayed this prayer everyday that she was imprisoned, and she still prays it today: "i am thankful before you, living and sustaining Ruler, who returned my soul to me with mercy. your faithfulness is great."

amen.

forgive me...

to the beautiful woman who sat at the top of the exit ramp:

forgive me for driving past you on more than one occasion. forgive me for hoping that the light would be green so i wouldn't have to stop and see you. forgive me for turning away when the light turned red. forgive me for not wanting to see. forgive me for ignoring your cardboard cry for food. shelter. love.

you did not look at me. i think you must know that your need makes me feel uncomfortable. and i didn't look at you either. because i don't want you to see the pity in my eyes. and the self-loathing in my eyes. as i pray for the light to turn green. so i don't have to see you anymore.

there is no shame in you. there is shame in me. i don't want to see you and accidentally find out that Jesus is in you. that Jesus loves you. and that Jesus told me to love you too. shame on me.

shame on me.

'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me'

confession

i run from you.

most of the time i have a hard time even believing in you.

i'm not so much embarrassed of you as i am horrified at the actions (and inaction) of the people who say they think you are the greatest.

i'm trying. i really am trying. to be humble. gracious. forgiving. patient.

love.

i'm trying to realize that i am no better than the people i am frustrated with. i know i am insufferable. i know i am occasionally illogical. i know i am usually stubborn.

i am trying. i am also failing.
i am so sorry.

i am so sorry that i can't express myself. that i can't love. not really. i'm far too selfish. i am sorry that i argue so much.

i'm sorry that i've changed my mind.

i'm sorry that i'm struggling to love you.

i'm sorry for admitting it.

i wish simple was the answer.

it probably is.

but simple is hard.

i'm sorry simple is so hard for me.

please forgive me.

please help me.

amen.

still i will worship

i don't like church

i don't like most christians

i don't like theology

i don't like shallow people who think christianity is easy

i don't like conservatives

i don't like liberals

i don't like argumentative people

i don't like most praise and worship music

i don't like fundamental christianity

i don't like praying

and i resent a lot of people and movements and factions and actions

...but my resentment is precisely the opposite of christian love...

...and i am the poster child for the behavior i judge so harshly in others...

and despite it all...i do love Jesus...but sometimes i wish it was easier

i am certainly a far cry from the idealistic, crusading girl i was only a few short months ago. and that is ok. but i have spent most of my time lately wishing for joy. wishing i was less jaded and more hopeful.

this morning was easter morning.

and i just decided that i must worship my God. because he is God. not because i feel like it. not because i feel him. but because he is God. so i did. i lifted my hands and i prayed for forgiveness and i worshiped my God who is love.

and i can't say that i feel entirely transformed. but i can say that i know my God is with me. i know he is here. and i am taking baby steps toward him.

still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship

even when it is the last thing my flesh wants to do.

still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship still i will worship.

please, help me, jesus!

change (and beauty)

the rain is pouring outside my window. it signals change that has been all too slow in coming. i am tired of the snow and cold. i hate wearing coats (in fact i haven't worn one since december). i hate confining my feet to the prison of shoes. and now the rain has come and it is washing away all of the dirty, icy snow that has lingered over this long winter season. and soon...very soon i will liberate my feet. i will take those first glorious barefoot steps. i really can't wait. the thought fills me with joy...really.

i feel as though the rain has been flooding my soul for some time now. the last year has been full of discovery, grace, justice, and healing. the waters have poured over my broken heart and spirit and i have been cleansed. over and over again. One year ago last weekend James broke up with me. this may seem trivial to some, but i gave my heart to that boy and he didn't want it. i know this is not an experience that is exculsive to me, but it has had a tremendous impact upon my life. it took sooo long to find healing. too long for me. i don't like emotional vulnerability.

in examining my journey, i have been blessed to have mentors and counselors who have spoken the promises of my God to me. this summer i told kevin butcher the story of my unwanted heart. he told me that i was beautiful simply because God made me and loves me. he told me that i shine with the beauty of God. he told me that women and men are designed to lead each other into relationship with God. he told me that someday there will be a man who will see this light in me and will pursue it.

these are beautiful words. they are words that i needed to hear from my brother. but these are also hard words for me to hear. i have trouble believing them. i have discovered that many women also long for these words. we spend our time lamenting the lack of manhood in males. we spend our time hating our bodies and desperately trying to get attention with the bodies we hate. sometimes we need to be told that we are beautiful. that God loves us. that we are lovable. that the light of God shines through us. we need to believe it. only then can we enter into edifying, God-breathed relationship with our brothers.

business in the front...party in the back

i know this guy with a mullet. actually, i don't know him. i have seen him. it's a very impressive mullet. i have seen his family. his sons all sport mullets as well. i sat next to his son last sunday. i might have said hi to him once. or given him one of those "i don't know you, and i acknowledge your presence, but i don't want to have a conversation with you" smiles. i don't even know his name, or the names of his children, or his wife. i only know him as the mullet man. i recently had a conversation about the mullet man. it was not a very nice conversation. maybe i should make it a point to have a conversation with the mullet man instead of judging him blindly (well, not quite blindly). maybe i should stop deciding the value of people based on their choice of haircuts. maybe i should learn his name...

it's a complicated life...

so...i am struck today by how complicated my life has become. i want so badly to please everyone in every circle, but it is entirely impossible. so, i have ended up all but abandoning my family. i have virtually missed my cousin's pregnancy. i get facebook posts and phone calls and text messages from family members complaining of my absence. sphere 1.



Kevin Butcher spoke in chapel today. he once again reminded me of my love for the city. my love for people. i looked into his eyes and i remembered the power of that crazy, sacrificial, risky love. And i told him i would be home soon, but i wonder if i can keep that promise. sphere 2.



and here i sit on my couch in my dimly lit room. i should be doing homework, but i've been doing it all day, and i am having trouble facing the mountains of scholastic stress. i have so many papers to write, and articles to read, and lessons to plan, and people to greet, and i feel trapped in it. i love this place, i love these people, but i am trapped in busyness. sphere 3.



so i am failing to fully exist and thrive in any of my three spheres, but i can't get rid of any spheres any time soon. and i don't want to. but i am tired. and add onto this my overwhelmingingly complicated web of human relationships. my hopes and fears and disappointments and frustrations. and i wonder why things can't just work out. and i want to be free to love. and i have never felt so trapped in circumstances. i am impatient for peace.

I am so grateful for all that i am given and all that i do not deserve. i do not deserve three spheres of love and support, but they have been given to me. and i don't know quite how to manage them all, but i am glad for them.

God, help me to be full of thanks instead of resentment. help me to find peace and definition in you. - Your daughter.

2009

2008 was a pretty crazy year. A whole lot has happened this year. A WHOLE lot. I experienced true heartbreak. I fell in love with a city. I completed my Existential philosophy class. I moved to Detroit for the summer. I helped to plan and run KSA. I fell in love with 50+ kids. I gained a family at Hope Community Church. I found value. I was a friend. I struggled with belief and hopelessness and selfishness. I withdrew. I stayed. I loved and hated and tried and failed and lived. I changed. More than I can remember ever changing before. It's been an angsty year, but I have also experienced the most beautiful, joyful community of love. That is where I want to stay.

So, I want 2009 to be a year of hope. I want to get rid of all darkness and bitterness and needless cynicism. I want to believe in Jesus, and I don't want to doubt anymore. I want to be faithful and joyful and radical and real.

I believe in You, Jesus. I do. Help me believe this year! This day. Please.