change (and beauty)

the rain is pouring outside my window. it signals change that has been all too slow in coming. i am tired of the snow and cold. i hate wearing coats (in fact i haven't worn one since december). i hate confining my feet to the prison of shoes. and now the rain has come and it is washing away all of the dirty, icy snow that has lingered over this long winter season. and soon...very soon i will liberate my feet. i will take those first glorious barefoot steps. i really can't wait. the thought fills me with joy...really.

i feel as though the rain has been flooding my soul for some time now. the last year has been full of discovery, grace, justice, and healing. the waters have poured over my broken heart and spirit and i have been cleansed. over and over again. One year ago last weekend James broke up with me. this may seem trivial to some, but i gave my heart to that boy and he didn't want it. i know this is not an experience that is exculsive to me, but it has had a tremendous impact upon my life. it took sooo long to find healing. too long for me. i don't like emotional vulnerability.

in examining my journey, i have been blessed to have mentors and counselors who have spoken the promises of my God to me. this summer i told kevin butcher the story of my unwanted heart. he told me that i was beautiful simply because God made me and loves me. he told me that i shine with the beauty of God. he told me that women and men are designed to lead each other into relationship with God. he told me that someday there will be a man who will see this light in me and will pursue it.

these are beautiful words. they are words that i needed to hear from my brother. but these are also hard words for me to hear. i have trouble believing them. i have discovered that many women also long for these words. we spend our time lamenting the lack of manhood in males. we spend our time hating our bodies and desperately trying to get attention with the bodies we hate. sometimes we need to be told that we are beautiful. that God loves us. that we are lovable. that the light of God shines through us. we need to believe it. only then can we enter into edifying, God-breathed relationship with our brothers.